Revisions

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English 10 Mr. Winston October 21, 2016 <b><u><div class="assignTitle">Revision Assignment</div></u></b> <div class = "container2">Revision is a important part of creating a finished poem. Normally, when it comes to revision, we think about changing just a part of a poem. This can fail if we don't consider the poem as a whole. And so, the goal of this assignment is to get another perspective on a poem that you’ve written. To do this, you will read each other's poems and write comments. We will keep doing this over the next few weeks. The new poem you choose can be the result of the revisions or a completely new poem. When we are done, I will look over your collection of poems and grade your work. <br> Student 1: <div class = "Alex"> Alex Reyna</div> Student 2: <div class = "Reid"> Reid Thomson </div> [[Embed the link to your first poem here.|Greyscale]] </div> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Courgette|Inconsolata|Nova+Mono|Montserrat" rel="stylesheet">

<div class="container"> <div class="right"> <p><b>Note: </b>When aligning using the position property, always include the !DOCTYPE declaration! If missing, it can produce strange results in IE browsers.</p> </div> <div class= "left"> <p> Can this also handle things in the left side? </p> </div> </div>

<div class="container"> <div class="leftAlex"> <u>Greyscale</u> The people around me paint with a colour that my hue is not a part of, it’s too dark, too <<link "muddled">> <<replace "#comments1">><br>"muddled": Add puncutation throughout. Helps with readability.<br><</replace>> <</link>> They want me to be bright, to be cheery to have a constant smile drawn upon my face If I could mix some happiness into myself, I would, but that bottle has long been empty used up <<link "from pain, from rejection.">> <<replace "#comments2">><br>"from pain, from rejection.": Try to add a third noun here. Rule of thirds. Else, get rid of one of them and just have it be one.<br><</replace>> <</link>> If those who wanted me to experience <<link "cheer">> <<replace "#comments3">><br>"cheer": You already used the word "cheery" before. Maybe use "joy" or "contentment"?<br><</replace>> <</link>>, would take the time to lend me some of their paint instead of letting my brush dip again into pain I would smile, I would share happiness with them But now, it is their laughing that is <<link "throw">> <<replace "#comments4">><br>"throw": You mean "thrown"?<br><</replace>> <</link>> my way that saps my colour ever more grey and dreary and brightens their own a veil that see all through <<link "Would">> <<replace "#comments5">><br>"Would": You end the poem here with a rhyme. You should make it its own stanza.<br><</replace>> <</link>> the shades of life for the people around me be more beautiful if they were <<link "without me?">> <<replace "#comments6">><br>"without me?": No, it would not be. My life wouldn't be more beautiful without you :)<br><</replace>> <</link>> - Alex Reyna [[Next poem.|The Ultimate Time Waster]] <<link "Teacher's Comments:">> <<replace "#teacher">><br> Great use of emotion. Use more punctuation to make it clearer.<</replace>><</link>> </div> <div class = "rightReid"><span id="comments1"></span><span id="comments2"></span><span id="comments3"></span><span id="comments4"></span><span id="comments5"></span><span id="comments6"></span> </div> <span id="teacher"></span> </div> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Inconsolata|Indie+Flower" rel="stylesheet"> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Courgette|Inconsolata|Nova+Mono|Montserrat" rel="stylesheet">

<div class="container"> <div class="leftAlex"> <u>Colours Beyond Grey</u> The people around me paint with a hue that mine is not a part of, too dark, too muddled. They want me to be bright, to be cheery, and I thought that my colour was far too <<link "black">> <<replace "#comments1">><br>"black": Black isn't the opposite of radiant. Find a word that better fits.<br><</replace>> <</link>> to ever allow my days to become radiant. But then I met you. You took my hand and we dipped my brush into compassion and love, allowing my <<link "skies <br> to become a banner">> <<replace "#comments2">><br>"skies to become a banner": Not sure if I like the word "banner" here. If there were words being painted on the sky, then yes, I think the word would fit better. Right now, I would say find a different word.<br><</replace>> <</link>> of luminous blues after <<link "years">> <<replace "#comments3">><br>"years": Have you been feeling this way this long? If you would have told me, I would had been more than happy to help you.<br><</replace>> <</link>> of it only being dreary greys. I no longer need to dip my brush into pain, for your smile clears those <<link "thoughts">> <<replace "#comments4">><br>"thoughts": Thoughts of what exactly? Dipping into pain or thoughts of pain in general? Hopefully he doesn't clear away any of the wonderfully creative thoughts you have :)<br><</replace>> <</link>> away. I know that I need to be able to paint by myself, since you cannot always be <<link "by my side">> <<replace "#comments5">><br>"by my side": Why can't he? It's his role as your loved one, correct? He should be able to do that.<br><</replace>> <</link>>. Sometimes your memory is a splatter and covers up the <<link "plans that we had drawn together">> <<replace "#comments6">><br>"plans that we had drawn together": Will assume this refers to forgetfullness. Hate when people forget my plans as well.<br><</replace>> <</link>>. Sometimes your work tears our own work, right before it begins <<link "to fully dry.">> <<replace "#comments7">><br>"to fully dry.": Also hate when people bail on me as well. This guy is an ass. I wouldn't do that to you.<br><</replace>> <</link>> Having you now in my life oh dear <<link "Ryland">> <<replace "#comments8">><br>"Ryland": Forgetful and inconsistent, a true knight in shining armor.<br><</replace>> <</link>> brings me <<link "more colors">> <<replace "#comments9">><br>"more colors": Do these colors improve your life? Would be neat to find add a word here that shows the double edged sword that this relationship brings to you.<br><</replace>> <</link>> than you understand. - Alex Reyna [[Next poem.|Spreading the Light]] <<link "Teacher's Comments:">> <<replace "#teacher">><br> Great use of emotion and colors. Good revision of adding stanza breaks and punctuation.<</replace>><</link>> </div> <div class = "rightReid"><span id="comments1"></span><span id="comments2"></span><span id="comments3"></span><span id="comments4"></span><span id="comments5"></span><span id="comments6"></span><span id="comments7"></span><span id="comments8"></span><span id="comments9"></span> </div> <span id="teacher"></span> </div> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Courgette|Inconsolata|Nova+Mono|Montserrat" rel="stylesheet"> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Inconsolata|Indie+Flower" rel="stylesheet">

<div class="container"> <div class="leftAlex"> <u>Blackened Heart</u> I never knew there could be a <<link "darker black">> <<replace "#comments1">><br>"darker black": What does that mean? You cannot be darker than black. Awkward phrasing.<br><</replace>> <</link>>. I thought I had seen it before <<link "surrounding me,<br>enveloping me, choking me, suffocating me,">> <<replace "#comments2">><br>"surrounding me...": Back to the rule of thirds. Drop one of these verbs. The first one is the weakest. Finish the first line here and then go into what it does.<br><</replace>> <</link>> But now it is soaks into my <<link "clothes">> <<replace "#comments3">><br>"clothes": You've always worn black clothing though. How is this different?<br><</replace>> <</link>> And splatters on my face where everyone Can see the <<link "marks you left one me.">> <<replace "#comments4">><br>"marks you left one me": Are the rumors that he was abusive to you true? I'm going to track him down if he dared hurt you.<br><</replace>> <</link>> Words from inside and outside have whispered, “Just move on. Your life is <<link "brighter without him.">> <<replace "#comments5">><br>"brighter without him": I would agree with those voices. He's been forgetful, unreliable, and possibly abusive. Why do you want him around again?<br><</replace>> <</link>>.” But the blacks and greys that encircle me yell that my life is now going downhill, that if you, <<link "a man who seemed molded">> <<replace "#comments6">><br>"a man who seemed molded": A man who is actually molded for your needs would be someone who would actually be there for you when you need it.<br><</replace>> <</link>> to complement my strengths and struggles didn’t want me, <<link "who would?">> <<replace "#comments7">><br>"who would": Don't worry, a girl like you won't be single for long. :)<br><</replace>> <</link>> I shouldn’t want you back, I know that’s true. But the only one my <<link "blackened heart">> <<replace "#comments8">><br>"blackened heart": These emotions are getting in the way of your life moving forward. It's best for you just to forget about him.<br><</replace>> <</link>> wants is you. - Alex Reyna [[Next poem.|Storming the Castle]] <<link "Teacher's Comments:">> <<replace "#teacher">><br>Good experimentation with revising tone.<</replace>><</link>> </div> <div class = "rightReid"><span id="comments1"></span><span id="comments2"></span><span id="comments3"></span><span id="comments4"></span><span id="comments5"></span><span id="comments6"></span><span id="comments7"></span><span id="comments8"></span> </div> <span id="teacher"></span> </div> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Courgette|Inconsolata|Nova+Mono|Montserrat" rel="stylesheet"> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Inconsolata|Indie+Flower" rel="stylesheet">

<div class="container"> <div class="leftAlex"> <u>Painting Dreams</u> You’re here again with me, trying to paint a <<link "masterpiece">> <<replace "#comments1">><br>"masterpiece": Try using a specific word to descibe the painting. Masterpiece is a little vague and might not fit the relationship you two are in.<br><</replace>> <</link>>, although I cannot help notice that the paint is tainted. The once pure colours now have <<link "streaks of doubt">> <<replace "#comments2">><br>"streaks of doubt": I find it strange that you, who have used actual colors wonderfully throughout your poems, don't actual use a color to descibe what the doubt looks like.<br><</replace>> <</link>> that rise to the surface whenever we <<link "fight">> <<replace "#comments3">><br>"fight": Fight is pretty basic. Quarrel would work just as well. Try adding a specific type of fight. I'm guessing you two have a lot of them.<br><</replace>> <</link>>. I try to ignore them, try to forgive our broken past but voices from around me keep <<link "bringing them back">> <<replace "#comments4">><br>"bringing them back": If he hasn't proven that he can change, why should we trust him? Seems ineffective to do so.<br><</replace>> <</link>>. <<link "Maybe we should leave">> <<replace "#comments5">><br>"maybe we should leave": This wording shows the idea as a very loose chance of happening. However, when I talked to you about this, you were firm in going along with it.<br><</replace>> <</link>> this dull place behind. It once was vibrant, full of colourful possibilities, but they’re long gone, muddled within anguish and pain that this town has <<link "only brought me.">> <<replace "#comments6">><br>"only brought me": As in, that is the only thing the town brought you or that the town brought you alone anguish and pain? Those two ideas mean completely different things.<br><</replace>> <</link>> We need a blank slate, a clean canvas, to paint the life that we’ve dreamed about. We cannot <<link "create it here anymore">> <<replace "#comments7">><br>"create it here anymore": Why? Just because past mistakes are not being forgetten for your own safety? <br><</replace>> <</link>>. Every missed stroke, every wrong hue is magnified by the people who <<link "ignorantly">> <<replace "#comments8">><br>"ignorantly": Those voices know what they are talking about Alex. You're the one who is ignorant.<br><</replace>> <</link>> say, “He’s not the right one for you.” - Alex Reyna [[Next poem.|Finishing Last]] <<link "Teacher's Comments:">> <<replace "#teacher">><br>Great job building on the original metaphor.<</replace>><</link>> </div> <div class = "rightReid"><span id="comments1"></span><span id="comments2"></span><span id="comments3"></span><span id="comments4"></span><span id="comments5"></span><span id="comments6"></span><span id="comments7"></span><span id="comments8"></span> </div> <span id="teacher"></span> </div> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Courgette|Inconsolata|Nova+Mono|Montserrat" rel="stylesheet"> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Inconsolata|Indie+Flower" rel="stylesheet">

<div class="container"> <div class="left"> </div> <u>The Colours of Truth</u> Oh Ryland, as a lay in your protecting arms With your eyes catching up on “Stranger Things” I sketch out ideas for my final poem in this series And while my past art had you as the subject, This one will turn to you, oh Reid. How are you? I genuinely ask out of concern, Despite this never being your intention. You were simply checking a mental box, Going through the emotions of actually caring So you could possibly win my heart away From this man who you called, “Sheeple in Prime”. I am not this prize that you get when you complete The challenge of navigating through the emotions That I tell. These feelings don’t make me stupid, Or helpless, as your brain likes to think, It paints me as human, as a living being, That reacts and cares about the people around her, Which is something that I cannot say about you. You never actually listened to the words I said. You drew yourself like you were. Was just a ruse. You thought you solved my life’s riddles And I was a fool for not copying your key. Yet, you ignored the truth, like how we got The blessing of our parents, you see. If anyone is dull here, it is clearly you Reid. To be foolish enough to believe you know all. To think that feeling emotions is being weak, And that changing your mind is being stupid. The way you see the world’s true colours Is by seeing that your mind’s choice is wrong. I think I’ve gotten everything off my chest, And despite all this, I wish you the best. <div class = "right"> <span id="begin"></span> </div> </div>

<div class="container"> <div class="leftReid"> <u>The Ultimate Time Waster</u> When troubles make their way into our lives, we, as humans Have a particular defense mechanism that brings us to ruins. Our minds become trapped within that problem, <<link "like glue.">> <<replace "#comments1">><br>"like glue.": Good comparison. So true.<br><</replace>> <</link>> Never allowing our mindset to move to a place anew. If we take the time to prepare ourselves to <<link "avoid this doubt">> <<replace "#comments2">><br>"avoid this doubt": You say it like it is the easiest thing in the world to do... it's not.<br><</replace>> <</link>>, Our minds can effectively travel down a <<link "scientific">> <<replace "#comments3">><br>"scientific": I feel like this is a weird word choice.<br><</replace>> <</link>> route. <<link "Worrying:">> <<replace "#comments4">><br>"Worrying": You don't need to spell it out to the reader like this. The reader will be smart enough to figure out what you're talking about. No need to talk down to them.<br><</replace>> <</link>> the ultimate time <<link "waster">> <<replace "#comments5">><br>"waster": Also, this line sounds off when it doesn't rhyme with anything. I'm going to try to end my poems with a rhyme with all of my future poems. Sounds better.<br><</replace>> <</link>>. ~ Reid Thomson [[Next poem.|Colours Beyond Grey]] <<link "Teacher's Comments:">> <<replace "#teacher">><br> Good extended metaphor.<</replace>><</link>> </div> <div class = "rightAlex"><span id="comments1"></span><span id="comments2"></span><span id="comments3"></span><span id="comments4"></span><span id="comments5"></span><span id="comments6"></span> </div> <span id="teacher"></span> </div> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Courgette|Inconsolata|Nova+Mono|Montserrat" rel="stylesheet"> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Inconsolata|Indie+Flower" rel="stylesheet">

<div class="container"> <div class="leftReid"> <u>Spreading the Light</u> The <<link "surface of the world">> <<replace "#comments1">><br>"surface of the world": Awkward and non-descriptive.<br><</replace>> <</link>> has a constant battle between the dim and the bright And we need legions of people around the world willing to share the light. Mankind can advance if we all decide to use <<link "knowledge">> <<replace "#comments2">><br>"knowledge": Feel like something will be missed if we just used knowledge for everything. Lose a bit of our humanity.<br><</replace>> <</link>> as its true power To help people, no matter the <<link "race or religion">> <<replace "#comments3">><br>"race or religion": Wow. You've been such a support of this whole "rule of three" thing, but you don't even use it here to include gender.<br><</replace>> <</link>>, in their darkest hour. And so, all those willing to take up the arms, share your brain’s <<link "beacon">> <<replace "#comments4">><br>"beacon": Like how this connects the whole "light is smart" idea that you set up before.<br><</replace>> <</link>>, Save those unfortunate souls who have been battered and weakened By blindly following the commands of those <<link "maneuvering heart strings">> <<replace "#comments5">><br>"maneuvering heart strings": I also like how this one matches puppeteering with playing with people's feelings.<br><</replace>> <</link>>. I, myself, will be talking to those around me and spread my knowledge wings To recruit both <<link "foes">> <<replace "#comments6">><br>"foes": From what you mention about those around you, I'm surprised you want them around.<br><</replace>> <</link>> and companions To join the rank of the informed battalions. ~ Reid Thomson [[Next poem.|Blackened Heart]] <<link "Teacher's Comments:">> <<replace "#teacher">><br> Another poem of a good extended metaphor and rhymes.<</replace>><</link>> </div> <div class = "rightAlex"><span id="comments1"></span><span id="comments2"></span><span id="comments3"></span><span id="comments4"></span><span id="comments5"></span><span id="comments6"></span> </div> <span id="teacher"></span> </div> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Courgette|Inconsolata|Nova+Mono|Montserrat" rel="stylesheet"> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Inconsolata|Indie+Flower" rel="stylesheet">

<div class="container"> <div class="leftReid"> <u>Storming the Castle</u> Our hero rushed up the steps of the old forgotten castle. Was time to save the princess living in this place as a vassal To the dragon who had guarded the surrounding land. The <<link "princess was waiting for a reason the hero">> <<replace "#comments1">><br>"princess...hero": Reid: the king of subtly strikes again.<br><</replace>> <</link>> couldn’t understand. She had been naive enough to actually enjoy the <<link "dragon">> <<replace "#comments2">><br>"dragon": Unlike the rumors that the hero likes to contantly try to reinforce, the dragon actually respected the princess.<br><</replace>> <</link>>’s care, And now spent her time idling staring out the tower with her hair, Her rich, <<link "voluminous hair that had blonde buoys in a sea of black">> <<replace "#comments3">><br>"hair": I will give you one thing in this poem. This might be one of my favorite descriptions of my hair ever. I wish that the rest of this poem had the same truthful tone.<br><</replace>> <</link>>, tangling down the side of her tower, but moving it a bit back So no one could use it to get <<link "inside her life once again.">> <<replace "#comments4">><br>"inside her life once again": Scratch that, there are two parts of this poem I like. I like the Rapunzel imagery mixed with the feeling of not wanting another person to enter your life and hurt you.<br><</replace>> <</link>> Our hero had tried to <<link "calm her, coax her, comfort her">> <<replace "#comments5">><br>"calm her, coax her, comfort her": Back to your rule of threes I see. Feel like the word choices don't really fit what you did, but I doubt you think that.<br><</replace>> <</link>>, and then <<link "Survived her winded rants">><<replace "#comments6">><br>"Survived her winded rants": How flattering.<br><</replace>> <</link>> when he hit an emotional sore in her heart. Now, our hero had decided, with the dragon no longer keeping them apart. That it was time for him to start an invasion For him, <<link "(her - dragon) was the perfect equation">><<replace "#comments7">><br>"(her - dragon) was the perfect equation": *roll eyes*<br><</replace>> <</link>>. ~ Reid Thomson [[Next poem.|Painting Dreams]] <<link "Teacher's Comments:">> <<replace "#teacher">><br>Another good extended metaphor. Enjoy the fantasy element.<</replace>><</link>> </div> <div class = "rightAlex"><span id="comments1"></span><span id="comments2"></span><span id="comments3"></span><span id="comments4"></span><span id="comments5"></span><span id="comments6"></span><span id="comments7"></span> </div> <span id="teacher"></span> </div> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Courgette|Inconsolata|Nova+Mono|Montserrat" rel="stylesheet"> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Inconsolata|Indie+Flower" rel="stylesheet">

<div class="container"> <div class="leftReid"> <u>Finishing Last</u> There are numerous phrases that we tell each other out of <<link "habit">> <<replace "#comments1">><br>"habit": Your poems always do have a nice rhyming pattern. That's the one thing I can point out from this poem that I like.<br><</replace>> <</link>>: “Money is the root of all evil” or “Those who can’t do teach it” “Early bird get the worm” or “We’re doomed to repeat the past” But the one phrase that holds true to me is: “<<link "Nice guys finish last.">> <<replace "#comments2">><br>"Nice guys finish last.": This is going to be a "woe is me" poem, isn't it?<br><</replace>> <</link>>” Whenever I decided to risk it and send my true love a fair girl’s way They return it with excuses like “Let’s just be friends” or they’ll say “I appreciate our friendship but, sorry, <<link "you’re just not my type">> <<replace "#comments3">><br>"you’re just not my type": Are girls not allowed to have a certain type?<br><</replace>> <</link>>” And instead for going for someone who genuinely cares, they swipe Right on guys who can show off nothing <<link "but muscle, no brain or heart">> <<replace "#comments4">><br>"but muscle, no brain or heart": Wow, such disdain for women. Are guys these wonderful creatures that actually care about what is on the inside?<br><</replace>> <</link>>” For it seems that the available women out there don’t care if you’re smart. You increase your odds if you puff out your chest and act like an ass Why even <<link "bother to treat them right">> <<replace "#comments5">><br>"bother to treat them right": Let me guess, this means "giving them things until they fall for you". Not, you know, actually spending time with them because you enjoy being with them or helping them through their times of need?<br><</replace>> <</link>> or have any scene of class? But, I’m true to myself, I cannot act like that if asked And so, I will stay my <<link "nice">> <<replace "#comments7">><br>"nice": Oh yes, you are such the pillar of niceness. Girls actually enjoy considerate, caring, "nice guys", but you are far from one of them. I'm sick of trying to deal with you. I'm done.<br><</replace>> <</link>> self, forever being last. ~ Reid Thomson [[Teacher's final comments.|Teacher Comments]] <<link "Teacher's Comments:">> <<replace "#teacher">><br>Great job rhyming quotes.<</replace>><</link>> </div> <div class = "rightAlex"><span id="comments1"></span><span id="comments2"></span><span id="comments3"></span><span id="comments4"></span><span id="comments5"></span><span id="comments7"></span> </div> <span id="teacher"></span> </div> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Courgette|Inconsolata|Nova+Mono|Montserrat" rel="stylesheet"> <link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Inconsolata|Indie+Flower" rel="stylesheet">

<b><u><div class="assignTitle">Teacher's Final Comments</div></u></b> <div class = "container2">Overall, great use of revisions throughout. Poems progressed in form and subject matter got more advanced. Emotional tones added flair to the metaphors used. A- </div>